me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.
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Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.
some BODY once told me
Luigi Mangione
He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
“Please be normal”
“Nope”
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
I’ve been saying this for years: Every major airport in America is leaving money on the table by not having a nail salon
this was very charming
1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*
7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
[first date]
HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-
ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills