My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
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Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*
*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.
Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper
I would feel bad about teasing my brother about the cow scaring him but one dark night my dog chased an armadillo & the armadillo slammed into my front door while I was reading & tried to CLAW its way into my house & I screamed & it’s still known as “The Night Of The Armadillo”
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
Come closer…..and let me just rest this pillow on your face.
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
Blew out my flip flop…
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend