Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard

Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.

Occasionally I just fall behind on something people are talking about and make a note to catch up when I have time. I’m off work this week and now understand that NYT Connections is not a dating app.

If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.

hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly

As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.

I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart

Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics

Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!

Well, shit

Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.

A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.

Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”

U U U U U U

An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.

There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-

Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.

Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say? 

2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!

I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.

*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?

Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?

Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches

You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.

Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?

4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?

Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?

4: No reason.

Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude

We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.

1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon

Twitter: hey, check out this picture of an Australian golfer accidentally hitting a kangaroo

Me: lol *like*

Twitter: so what I’m getting from this is you want your whole feed to be Australian golf news

Me: n-

Twitter: poor showing today from Sergio Clemsworth, hitting +2 at

*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”

what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones

Happy Earth Day. You don’t look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.

Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.

Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.