Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.

“I hate confrontation”

“No, you don’t”

If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.

Don’t worry about your kids wanting to talk about sex, worry about your parents wanting to talk about politics

DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed

ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work

YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are

Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.

U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything

🤣😂🤣😂

So proud of my daughter for getting the lead role in The Tempest. Today’s performances will be during homework and bedtime.

(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp

Mmmm canned fish.

Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?

According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.

Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.

“Worm Regards”

If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?

Yoga pants.

i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown

Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.

My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.

Me: I can forgive but I’ll NEVER forget

McDonald’s cashier: Again Sir, I’m sorry we left you a nugget short in your six piece meal

Website: Make a password

Me: Ok

Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED

Me: Wow alright

Website: Damn that’s a strong password

[1 Week Later]

Website: You got hacked

Me: But my password was so strong

Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad

If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.

Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?

Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.

Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”

And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”

When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.

[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?

I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.

not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos