Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
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I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*Me: FINALLY! A break from that —
Brain: I’ll take it from here.
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.
There is no Hotdog Bell here.
I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
[arrested in 1985]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news
[arrested in 2018]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
911: Did you ring yesterday?
Boy: No
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
What number SPF blocks people?
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
