Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:

My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.

Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.

😂

My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.

Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed

Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming

me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?

clerk: going camping?

me: no

*Job interview

Him: Any special achievements?

Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed

H: Alright, you’re hired

M: Really?

H: No.

I don’t understand interventions.

What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?

Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.

“Sir, is this gluten free?”
The waiter nods happily
“Great,” I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, “I’m building a gluten fort!”

[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…

Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom

If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.

Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.

I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.

Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.

If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.

them: our youngest is 73 months.

me: what’s that in human people years

I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.

Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.

what do you want!!!!!!!!

The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.

Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.

#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes

Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.

[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.

CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.

ME: No thanks.

CASHIER: It comes with free refills.

ME: I do like free refills…

Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.

“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN

Me: I think I’m just scared of change.

Therapist: *flips a quarter*

Me: *screams*