People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
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(therapist voice)
Please, lie down on the shrouch.
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
[Infomercial]
HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*
Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
Wife: Good morning handsome
Me: Hi
Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you
Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?
Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again
Me: There it is
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?
Me, a Dad: Yeah???
4: …
4: MOMMY!!!
He: did you burn dinner again?
Me: it’s a Flambé.
He: it’s mac and cheese
Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]
My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
gm
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?
Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.