Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“At your cervix, m’lady”

– me as an OBGYN and also just me

5yo: Mom is 47!

Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.

Me: I’m 37.

[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!

me: i want to save this document

computer: great, just click save

me: ok i want to save it as something else

computer: easy, save as

me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf

computer: print

Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.

When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.

When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already

*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*

My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.

Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs

[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator

Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again

If I had a dollar for every time a first-time pregnant woman looked me in the face and told me she could tell that her baby was gonna have a “chill personality,” I could buy you a Subway™️ sandwich. Not one of the cheap ones either, one of the limited series.

I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.

Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you

Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad

6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it

4:09am, June 14, 2029: no

[during a plane crash]

Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!

Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!

me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness

waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this

DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil

romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission

My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.

i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”

Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.

Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup

I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.

I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.

I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.