Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.

[my first day at the spa]

*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*

If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.

My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.

Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.

ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.

Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.

And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.

I finally confronted the person that’s eating all my snacks at home, bro had the nerve to hide in the bathroom mirror.

Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?

ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.

HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?

ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.

Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right

*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*

No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨

While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂❤️

me: we named you after our favorite films

paul blart: i hate you

wife: you should be proud of your names

paul blart 2: you’re monsters

Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.

I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her

“Hey honey”

*drags a cigarette*

“have you ever”

*drinks some scotch*

“slept with a guy”

*sucks a lollipop*

“with three arms?”

My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.

What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?

Single.

[first day as an architect]

boss: “these plans you designed make no sense. what does 3FF mean?”

me: “3 Fruit by the Foots long”

boss: “we dont measure things with Fruit by the Foot here!”

me: “oh, okay” *converts measurements to Bubble Tape*

People are so trusting on mushroom forums. They ask for help identifying wild shrooms they found, and give you just one blurry picture taken from fifty yards away.

“Is this safe to eat? 🍄”

I’ve seen clearer pictures of Bigfoot, but yeah, go for it. It’s probably fine.

I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.

Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.

They put me in the ICU.

Them: Can you imagine jogging—

Me: No

Them: —in this heat

Me:

Me: God grant me the serenity.

God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.

Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.

Now this is my first time cooking poisonous blowfish, so go easy on me.

[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cards

HIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention

when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go

MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”

MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”