Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.

”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box

I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting

I know this now

*invents time machine*

*has an opportunity to right a wrong*

*makes it wronger*

[dropping my bf off at the airport]

Me: *going in for a hug, already crying* I’m gonna miss you so much

Him: I’m gonna make everyone think you’re my Uber driver!

Me: wait wha-

Him: *pushing my face away* OKAY FINE, I’LL GIVE YOU 5 STARS!

5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?

My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring

DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry

I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.

Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.

Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.

God: you’re a garter snake.

Garter Snake: I’m a snek?

God: no you’re a snake.

Garter Snake: I’m a snek!

God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.

Garter Snake:

God:

Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?

Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.

Where have you been all my life?

Can you go back there?

The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax

*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*

The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.

I bet your first day as a bullfighter they start you off by fighting a really rare steak.

Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days

They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.

[My first day as an architecture major]

*raises hand*

When are we going to learn how to build gingerbread houses?

Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.

Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.

me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work

captor: i don’t care

me: they get paid under the stable

captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma

Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.

Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.

Squirrels: 1,538

My dogs: -17

The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.

Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable

IT: You deleted the OS?

Me: I think so.

IT: It didn’t warn you?

Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?