Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”

*looking at glass of wine*

*turns off phone*

Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version

-Give me the ring.

-No.

What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?

Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*

Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he

Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.

“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.

she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face

I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.

ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing

For the orator and chef in all of us

Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”

[The glare was EPIC]

I hope this email finds you in a well

*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!

Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.

sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you

the good: nice

the bad: cool

me: what’s it called?

disney ceo: live action little mermaid

animator: yep

ceo: it’s in the ocean

animator: got it

ceo: coral reefs

animator: understood

ceo: lots of fish

animator: [nose suddenly bleeding] i don’t- what is.… finsh?

I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice

Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.

I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.

I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.

Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.

Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.

And I’ve still got time.

To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?

I forgot to take my meds so I’m looking forward to joining the squirrels in the tree to talk politics

Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”

Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”

A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.

Yeah….I don’t know either.

“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”

*slams phone*

Why do I keep calling that parrot?!

Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”

Him: “What kind of car trouble?”

Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”

Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur

Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??