Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?

Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.

[during sex]

ME: I’m Italian, how about you?

HER: Finnish

ME: Ok sure just give me a second

I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.

I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.

[hiking]

ME: I’m so tired

MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face

Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.

*Summer camps have entered the chat.*

Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute

I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard

[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*

I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.

Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.

“If you want to lose weight eat in front of a mirror, nude”. Tried it. All I saw was a happy naked woman eating cheese.

I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread

Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?

Me: No, what?

Son: Camo meal

*we tearfully embrace*

Wife: JFC

DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]

DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?

DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]

ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”

Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.

ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?

GUY: fruit flies I think

ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug

“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.

me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see

My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.

I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear

Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something

me: get out of your own head live in the now

also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings

It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.

“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”

You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in

Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class

Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*

Murderer: *walks through the door*

Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME

“I miss my label mates.”

“You’re a recording artist?”

“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”