Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
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tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
Me: Can we talk?
Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.
Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby
Her: Head held high
Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby
Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?
[Crossword]
7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Ummm
11yo: Dad, were doing a pretend show and you need to interview us
Me: Ok…
8yo: But none of the questions can be “What is your name?” “What is your quest?” or “What is your favorite color?”
Me:
8yo:
11yo:
Me: interviewees don’t get to pick the questions…
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”
I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!