Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks

Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches

Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.

My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow

What does a Thesaurus eat for breakfast?

A synonym roll.

If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.

How I know this is unimportant.

Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.

I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.

TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying

I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.

Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?

My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.

Anakin: I built my droid from scratch

Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life

Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol

Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.

My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.

[blind date]

Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?

Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.

5 ways I am superior to a horse:

1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM

Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home

how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”

(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*

me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”

Wanna wake your teens up early?

Cook bacon

*turns off life support*

*waits*

*turns it back on*

Me: How’s she now?

Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?

Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.

CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe

Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast

Pet toad: WHAT

Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.

“It’ll be dead soon. Nature abhors a vacuum.”
-commentsivehadafew

All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit

I lose my self-control around cookies. Last week I had a package of oreos in the cupboard and i killed a guy

He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.

#PayInHay
#Kerching