I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
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them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
Teacher: what are 2, 4, 6, and 8?
Steven: even numbers
Stephen: ephen numbers
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
Daughter: I love you mommy
Me: I love you!
Daughter: I’m not talking to you. I’m playing with my dinosaurs.
Me: Cool cool cool.
Me muttering: ungrateful little…
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*
*offers Batman cough drops*
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
Why did they call it an Amazon wishlist and not an ‘Oughttobuyography’.
When you promised to deliver the project in two weeks but didn’t mention which year
[me as a knight]
Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?
Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm
Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time
Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
when i worked in an office i had an ’emergency google sheet’ that i kept open in a tab all day and if my boss walked by i’d switch to it from twitter and enter 69s and 420s in its cells with a look of great seriousness on my face
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.
My son has a hard time waking up in the morning so he downloaded an obnoxious sounding alarm on his phone to ensure he wouldn’t oversleep.
So far the only people awake from it this morning are me, my husband & our neighbors.
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.
My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free