me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
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My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
wife is going to Sarajevo for work and my father in law was like “be careful, that is not a safe country, archduke Franz Ferdinand was shot there”
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
*at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*
No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.
Growing out my freckles.
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
OP deleted but I saved my stupid joke for posterity anyway
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.
Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull
ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol
PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.