Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
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cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder
Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.
The kids were asking me what time they were all born and I said the youngest was born at 1:29am, and they all agreed that it must have been nice that she just came out while I was sleeping.
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
Thinking outside the box.. 😅
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.
4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
ios update: we’ve changed the keyboard size just slightly again. good luck!
me: god danb ut
If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.
Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?