I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan
You Might Also Like
Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.
It’s a gift
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan
♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY
[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”Wife: “I’m the same”
Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*
[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?
All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.
New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.
Usage Guidelines
On a Zoom call at work today, a coworker said she was going on mute because she had found an emergency stash of biscuits, and was trying to eat them all before her kids came home. We all applauded.
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”