Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I went to the gym today.
Just kidding, I walked down the block and yelled at the neighbor kids for screaming while I’m trying to nap.

I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.

Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.

Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor

Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?

Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course

Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow

this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one

Ladies, if he:

-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tides

That’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.

If this can be a salad, you can be anything.

I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.

Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.

So, I guess it’s hereditary.

Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch

my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin

Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues

If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.

[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo

“I’m thinking about having a baby.”

“You should get a dog.”

“As a sort of test?”

“No. You should just get a dog.”

Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism

In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.

[i arrive in hell]

Satan: welcome

Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol

Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up

Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao

Satan:

Me:

Satan:

[i arrive in super hell]

Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.

Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!

ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.

HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!

ME: That’s fine

*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*

Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils

Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”

Me: “Nachos.”

“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”

“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”

Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned

[job interview]

Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?

Me: I believe the explanation is clear.

B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—

*I have disappeared*

B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.

[From ceiling]

M: I accept.

Doctor: so your blood type is-

Vampire: ALL of them

When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.

*seduces you by wearing a sundress

*ruins it by running in flip flops

one thing I never see discussed in the remote vs office debate is the ability to have sex with my wife who also wfh during the day. much easier while the kids at school and huge boon for my productivity. not sure how to explain to my boss who wants me at the office more