Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
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I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.
ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.
Me [camping]:
We’re out of wood, so I’m going to go chop some more after my hike.Me [at home]:
I would change the channel, but the remote is 2.7 millimeters out of reach.
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
My wife is just 3 days younger than me…
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
#MeanwhileinCanada
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
I put half an avocado in a sealed container in the fridge and it’s still good a week later.
Guys, I may have cracked the avocode-o.
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person
Me: ok
[Later]
Her: Hi!
Me: Hi you look uglier online
Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane: