If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
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If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?
Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread
Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!
FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones
ME: i don’t
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*
My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”
BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do
Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”
Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.