Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
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Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real
[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…
[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem
NOT all policemen are strippers.
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]
My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded
Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.
Parenting is hard, you guys.
[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.
My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”
Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force