My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”
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soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
I love my sister and even when I struggled as a teenage lesbian shes been a wonderful ally but how do I tell her that whenever we’re watching something and an unexpected gay scene happens she doesn’t have to turn to me and stare at me like this 😊
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
Hey! This is your home!
It’s kinda messy… but you’ll get use to that!-my 6yo, welcoming his new baby sister 😂😂💀
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
so much to do
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
Ok, mammals, you had your chance. I’m voting for a reptile this year.
I had been watching a tv series with the subtitles on & when it got to The Big Dramatic Lovemaking Scene after a whole lot of episodes & the 2 main characters FINALLY began to kiss, the subtitle said “smooches.” I laughed so hard I nearly fell out of my chair.
anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ
Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
Husband: Should we hit the gym today?
Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
If you send a “u up” text late enough, it becomes a sweet “good morning” text