Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap

Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.

me: you remind me of my college boyfriend

husband: you never told me about him

me: we just started dating. he’s a junior

Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?

FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program

ME: I’ll do it

FBI: Your wife and kids too

ME: Never mind

Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.

It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.

ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?

BOSS: Well, yes.

ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?

A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.

Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?

Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!

My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married

[1st day as criminal sketch artist]

Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….

Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper

I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus

put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf

rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants

Me: How was your first day of school?

5-year-old: Long.

Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.

5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?

If the sun is so hot how come it’s single

Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain

4yo as he’s falling asleep: Mom, when I’m a grown up and have my own house, will you come live with me?

Me: of course, bud.

4yo: Good, because I’m going to need a lot of help taking care of the snakes.

wife: did you vacuum under the couch

me: yep I did the whole basement

I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t

I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”

ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?

me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me

One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.

Wife: Have you seen my razor?

Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not

Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you

Me: But I couldn’t stop myself

Murderer: But you could of

Me: oh no

Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.

Apple trying to ruin my marriage wtf

My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.