Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
You Might Also Like
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?
Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?
ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes
[a 31st dog walks by]
ME: oh no
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”
My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?
Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC
Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.
Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?
Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?
Owner: …you’re fired.
Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.
You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏