Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.

why is covid-19 trending does anyone know

Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.

When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.

ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”

DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”

[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”

Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?

Antique dealer: …What?

GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED

*gains winter weight for “insulation”

*is now fat and cold

Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper

I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.

I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.

If I stop talking to someone, I don’t delete them from my phone, I just change their contact info to Scam Likely

Godspeed, John Glenn

My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.

Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh

Why? Just why? 😂

[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.

OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers

DETECTIVE: dear god

OFFICER: most likely yes

I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.

“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.

You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??

Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?

My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.

Last night my husband and I went to a party. I noticed he was “sipping” some brown liquor and I sarcastically said, “Uh-oh!” and pointed to his drink and he rolled his eyes and said, “I am an adult.”

It is 7:52 pm THE NEXT DAY and that adult has not gotten out of bed yet.

Police: Pull over and stop!

Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?

Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!

Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!

ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth

Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”

“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”

Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.

If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.

If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.