Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.

Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*

“I thought it might be nice to go around the room and have everyone introduce themselves, including a fun fact.”

You thought wrong.

Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.

Then eat it in front of them.

LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?

CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.

passed a guy walking down the street video chatting someone but here’s a fun twist: he was doing it on a laptop

Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train

How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?

Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.

Weird how parrots and I tend to share the same opinions

I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.

*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.

This is Cassie. She was chasing waves when they started chasing her back. Had to throw it in reverse real quick. 13/10

My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.

*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*

Extremely relatable.

Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.

i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere

it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name

always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car

To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.

[first day as a bartender]

*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*

*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want

The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything

The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.

[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*

Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.

Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.

newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?

me: it’s fine by me

newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!