Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor

FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?

ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer

If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded

Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”

Have kids they said…

I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.

My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media

Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.

.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.

Them: Why are you late?

Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.

Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.

My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.

6: I’m done.

Me: you didn’t even touch your food!

6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*

The Sass is strong with this one

Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.

Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions

I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.

I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down

supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’

still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997

There are 3 types of people:

1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people

9: Mommy can I have a treat?

Me: It’s close to bedtime so no

9: A tiny piece?

Me: No

9: A molecule? An atom?!

Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino

9: Is that a donut?

When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered

Looks like Alexander Graham Bell is calling me.

I saw a guy biking in a park pulling his kid in a chariot behind him and I’ve never been more jealous of a toddler in my life.

my kid had a horrible coughing fit in the middle of the night. Too young for cough medicine, the internet suggested a lollipop. 30 min later, he was still coughing so I’m still trying to find solutions when he declines and says, “I’m just waiting for the lollipop to kick in”

Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead

[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow

Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking

My true love: no don’t

Me: what? Why not?

My true love: just trust me

I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.

ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present

ESKIMO: You idiot

Challenge accepted.

me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room

cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you