So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…
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there was another, tinier cement truck inside
me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it
work smarter, not harder
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
People with no volume control stress me out.
I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
A horror story:
You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.
That’s it that’s the whole story.
sometimes my toddler throws stuff on the floor and then shouts “OH NO” and that’s kind of like what politicians do
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
Talk about a bad egg
Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
Me: If only we lived in a just world where everyone got what they deserved.
Friend: Including you?
Me: Actually, scratch that idea.
I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”
Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
[helping son with math]
Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow
Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me
Riddler: what’s your secret identity
Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot
Riddler:
Batman: you absolute fool
Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead