Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
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[At the store]
Me: Where are your masks?
Kids: We didn’t bring them.
Me: Why not.
Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.
Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.
Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true
Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?
Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”
[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
It’s not a real Sylvester Stallone movie unless there’s ten minutes of dialogue in the beginning, five minutes at the end, and less than three sentences throughout the rest of the film.
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!
Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ
Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
My kid said scales measure how fast we are. So anyway, I stepped on our scale and I’m a lot faster than I thought I was.
Proctology is located in A55
PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there
[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil