You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”
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Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?
Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.
[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?
thought i was a minimalist, but it turns out i’m just broke
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
Me: Can you hear me?
4: No.
Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.
4: But I can’t hear you.
Me: You can, you’re answering me.
4: (crying) No, I can’t!
Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.
Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy
My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
How about a scale that will sense when you’re about to eat something you shouldn’t and then yells at you from the bathroom.
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey
her: what?
me: what?
HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS Ｔｈｅ Ｃｏｌｏｓｓａｌ Ｐｉｌｌａｒ ｏｆ Ｗａｓｐ Ｅｇｇｓ LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS
“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.