I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
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5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
They’re stuck in your pants?
Great seizure this morning! We found 10 kg of c*****e in a statue. The 9kg of c*****e was weighed and bagged and, I can tell you, 7kg of c*****e took a fair few bags. We’ll hand the 4kg to the police after analysing the 2kg first. Well done Customs on finding the 300 grams!
time for some seasonal decor
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.
Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss
ME: damn right
[later]
ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
