I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
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CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you
ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name
CS: sure, it’s janice
JANICE: thank you
: you’re welcome
“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
Party Tip:
At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
every youtube essay now is called “the secret, untold history of toothpaste” then proceeds to read off the wikipedia page for toothpaste
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”
If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.
Me: Why are you digging in your ear?
3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!
Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.
I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this