Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
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I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years
Me: “watching an exercise reel on instagram” I could do that
My body: are you serious? have you seen us?
Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
Someone in their late 20s giving advice to someone in their early 20s is exactly like when a toddler is obsessed with a newborn
By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”
Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.
Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.
Me: Chocolate?
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.
Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.
Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones
New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
My grandma sailed on the Titanic.
She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
Check your privilege
I just lived without power for 6 straight days. Hurricane Helene tricked me into camping for a week and I am not amused.
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!