nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
You Might Also Like
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail
…again.
(Now in theaters)
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.
*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want oneMy ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.