ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
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My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*
DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.
📸: @livinglyfree
#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare
“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…