Am getting real tired of your crap…
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Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
[1st date]
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
Dammit
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
Verizon: your online bill is ready
Me: ok. for what
HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems
*i pick up my phone*
HER: your behavior is untenable
“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.
S/o to @funTweeters .
Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
i sent you a message telepathically and you didn’t respond…are you mad at me?
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”
Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge
wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…