Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet

Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.

[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade

I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.

My baby: Blabalaba! Bolababa!

Me: Yeah, that’s a fair point – I guess it’s really a personal choice, not a matter of figuring out one best practice for everyone. Thanks for talking this out with me.

Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.

Look, all I’m saying is that it would be far more impressive to see someone turn lemonade into lemons

Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.

Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.

“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines

Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.

Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.

Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!

When life hands you women, make women laid.

My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.

[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”

[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]

[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”

VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”

[God creating vultures]

How about a goth flamingo?

Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.

In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.

Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…

Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date

I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best

I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights

Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.

all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage

When a woman texts you three questions you should only answer one. She will love that.

*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed

Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?

My son has a hard time waking up in the morning so he downloaded an obnoxious sounding alarm on his phone to ensure he wouldn’t oversleep.

So far the only people awake from it this morning are me, my husband & our neighbors.

It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.

aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.