A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
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“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
Follow me for more exotic Minnesota cuisine
My husband got rid of a big spider from the bedroom window using a pair of boxer shorts the other night. He waved them out of the window to shake the spider off. It was late at night and he wondered if this might be considered a sign for certain people.
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
Me typing: univrsity
Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.
Me: Haha oops.
Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”
Me: Why would I say that?
Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.
Me: Be good and I’ll give you a Fudgsicle
4-year-old: Give me a Fudgsicle or I’ll be bad
Positive reinforcement is no match for blackmail.
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”
I have been told to stop stealing muffins from the bakery. Unfortunately, it’s the only way to keep my lucrative muffin stand in business. Everyone is fine with this.
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?
On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.
Loan shark put my mind at ease by explaining it wasn’t a threat, it was a promise.
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live
me: oh my god. you’re lying
doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
13: mum, I fell in P.E and hurt my leg… and Chloe saw me face plant.
Me: aw, baby, don’t be embarrassed… it happens.
13: I know, mum… I got up, looked her dead in the eye, and said “look at that, Chloe, I scraped my knee falling for you!”
Do I fail parenting now?
At the grocery store but forgot my wife’s list so I guess I’ll just follow this other guy around and get what he gets.
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard
Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…
Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.