Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
You Might Also Like
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….
*checks notes*
…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
Drilling for oil is well boring.
Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.
Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
Not to brag but my Motorola flip top phone still has the same full charge since 96′
When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”
In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”
[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.