Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid

carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?

ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it

Never deleting this app.

Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”

Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.

You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.

Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.

Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!

[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.

I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.

watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified

Dr. Pepper just unseated Pepsi as the second most popular soda in America.

Don’t tell me that getting your PhD isn’t worth it.

7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”

Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.

*puts my mental health in rice

my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.

Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.

Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.

[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?

How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?

Overheard at the hardware store today …

Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.

Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?

Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.

Saw online –

Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.

guilty

If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.

Coworker: did you have a good weekend?

Me: obviously not since I came back to work.

Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!

Me: Choose how you want to die.

These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.

Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?

I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.

Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]