Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
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me: i feel terrible
my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?
me: uh, not really
my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good
I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website
Breaking news:
Good morning & happy hump day! Today is also “National Red Wine Day” 🤣🤣🤣
Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
The horror. The apostrophe’s.
If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”
ME: No, you’re still grounded
“No fair!”
ME: Yes, that’s what I said
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-
Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-
Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.
[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁
STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?
PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.