Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
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Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
[when i was a kid]
DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you
[today]
MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot
ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now
doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet
[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
In honor of A REAL PAIN hitting theaters, one of my favorite Jesse Eisenberg anecdotes
The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!
Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
We often get asked if we take money to promote products. Absolutely not, we always say no as that would stain our reputation. The kind of stain only Persil non bio could get out, even at low temperatures.
Watching the lawn mowing guy on YouTube. Always pushing the products. He’s actually got this stupid t-shirt that says “I’m sexy and I mow it.”
Mine should be here in a few days.
Pretty sure we domesticated dogs first and were like yes this is amazing let’s do another one, then we domesticated cats and were like yes that’s quite enough I think
Everybody thinks “Free Hugs” signs are cute, unless you’re a boa constrictor.
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.
interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise