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why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down
Them: You should try keto
Me:
Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.
I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.
I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.
I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.
“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
HIGH SCHOOL BAND TEACHER: Look, you’ve failed at every other classical instrument we have. Do you think you could manage the triangle?
ME: I’ll make you proud, sir!–CONCERT NIGHT–
ME, standing outside, banging on triangle with a ladle: CONCERT’S READY, Y’ALL! COME N’ GIT IT!
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
this could fix me
Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.