According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
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My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
Michael Jackson didn’t have his first hit single until he was 11.
Eddie Murphy didn’t get cast on SNL until was 19.
Steven Spielberg didn’t make Jaws until he was 27.
You’re never too old to follow your dreams.
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
It’s too funny that Michael Chiklis signed on to do Gotham in a relatively straightforward role and then a year later they had him looking like Furiosa
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”