Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

casually asking “how do you think you’d do as a pole vaulter” on a first date

Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.

8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.

I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.

Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:

Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot

Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news

[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous

remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot

What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?

Arrest that man!

[airport security]

wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*

me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*

tsa agent:

tsa agent: why so many gameboys

twitter actually is my diary so youre not allowed to get mad at the things i post. you’re not even supposed to be reading this. why were you going through my stuff

Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.

Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?

*blinks profusely at cashier*

Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.

Be vigilant

“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”

~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.

My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.

Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?

You Matter.

Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.

Then you Energy.

Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands

I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.

Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂

It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.

I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.

I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed

Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses

Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”

Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.

me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?

taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee