Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
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My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.
I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.
Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
I was up all night reading about insomnia
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
How do I get people to bring me various casseroles without hosting a wake?
His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?
Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?
M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
[First Date]
Him: So many choices Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure
Him to waiter: BLT, please
Me: I’ll have the same
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.
“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds
Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”
Changed the office dress code from formal to smart-casual. Staff thought it’s because I want to be a hip, cool boss & make people feel more comfy. That’s not the reason. The reason is that we recently had our eleventh male employee getting his tie trapped in the shredder.
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”
Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
Her: Explain Twitter to me
Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?
H: Yes
Me: Much the same, just less compassion
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.