I got halfway through writing an email to a company letting them know that their bag of trailmix didn’t contain any of the chocolate chips advertised on the bag before remembering that I have two kids.
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its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*
It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.
#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌
Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.
The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.
The only new feature was the ambulance ride.
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
The wife says the only hard things allowed in my house nowadays are boiled eggs, sudoku puzzles and the hats of the surprising number of construction workers who come by whilst I’m at work to quote for a new patio.
Surprising, because we live in a 3rd floor apartment.
DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can happen, will happen.
Kellogg’s Law: When pouring milk into your cereal you will always hit the one flake that makes it shoot across the table.
booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
Is….Is this an option?
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*
Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.
Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.
[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.
I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.