Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.
I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.
You Might Also Like
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.
At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
Condescending:
(adj) showing patronizing superiority
(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.
One time, I swallowed a dictionary whole.
It was thesaurus throat I’ve ever had.
We got an electric blanket so now I call all of our other ones acoustic blankets.
*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell
Him: you’re so cool
Me: thanks
Him: …and aloof
Me: thanks
Him: it’s like you were raised by cats
Me: *licks his face* huh?
I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.
My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
“Some men go months without being hugged.” Ok then they should hug each other.
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.
[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]
Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast
the antelopes: wait, the what now?
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
If you’re riding a bike in New York City it means you care about your health …. Riding one here in Tennessee it means you got a DUI.
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them