My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
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What the hell happened in there??
Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.
My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.
IT’S-A ME,
Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?
“If you don’t ask, you don’t get” isn’t always true because I definitely did not ask you to be such a massive tw#t.
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
absolute chaos
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?